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In Order to Fall in Love with Myself – Again

Being single for quite a long time has opened a new chapter of my life, the loss of confidence in rebuilding a relationship. Love once felt so simple, coming naturally, without much drama. Now, my life is filled with heavier things. Aging, a world that keeps moving faster, post college debts waiting to be paid, and work that seems endless have taught me to manage myself more wisely.


Youngerself

Yap, Life hasn’t been quiet. As I get older, I feel like the world is getting louder and busier, while I’m trying to keep up. Somewhere along the way, the idea of falling in love started to feel less important, maybe even impossible, hahaha.

Alfa, when will you take the next step?” - It means finding love again.

But am I ready?

He was so confident with his imperfection

I paused when I heard that question. I stood in front of the mirror, staring at myself, trying to find answers. But instead of clarity, I felt something else, fear. Not fear of being alone, but fear of opening myself up again.

“What kind of partner are you even looking for?”

The question came echoing in the corner part of my mind. I tried to answer, but the more I thought about it, the more I questioned my own worthiness. How could I ask someone to accept me when I haven’t fully accepted myself? Love isn’t just about finding someone, it’s about being ready to show them who you really are. And that’s where my struggle begins.

I turned to a simple analogy, compatibility. If I were an Android, I would need an Android charger. If I were an Apple, I would need an Apple charger. But then, I started to wonder, What brand am really I? How could I expect someone else to figure me out when I don’t fully understand myself? So, I started looking inward. And that’s when I realized how many parts of myself I had been avoiding.

When I started working so that I earned my own money, I worked on changing myself. I bought weight-gain supplements, cleaned my teeth by seeing the dentist, tried to dress well up, applied skincare, and read books to sharpen my mind. On the outside, it looked like I was improving, becoming a better version of myself.

But deep inside, I felt sad. With every change, I felt like I was leaving behind the old me, the imperfect version of myself that had survived so much who was braver in being authentic.

I didn’t just want to grow, I wanted to be loved for who I had always been.

My biggest fear isn’t about failing to find a partner but about meeting someone who only loves this “new” version of me. I fear that when all the masks are removed, they won’t find any reason to love me anymore. What if the relationship ends again because they can’t accept who I truly am?

To face this fear, I decided to do something. I went to the barbershop and asked them to shave my head. As the clippers buzzed and my hair fell to the floor, I felt a strange mix of emotions (fear, sadness, and maybe even relief.) When I got rented house and looked at myself in the mirror, I saw someone raw and real. It wasn’t easy to look at, but it felt honest.

This was me, in the rawest form. But for the first time, I felt close to myself again.

I began talking to the reflection, not to seek answers but to listen.

How did it feel back then, when your head was bald? How did you manage to be confident? Why were you able to stand tall without fear, yet now you’re afraid to even love yourself?

The answers didn’t come right away. But standing there, I started to understand something important, self love ain’t about fixing everything you don’t like. It’s about making peace with the parts of yourself that aren’t perfect.

The old me, the one I used to criticize and try to change, wasn’t any less worthy of love. I just couldn’t see it at the time. Now, I’m trying to love myself again. Not the version I show to others, but the version that’s real, the version that’s sometimes scared, insecure, or messy.

Because love, real love, starts from within. It’s the courage to look at yourself and say,

“You’re enough, just as you are.”

He was loved by many

I may not have everything figured out, but I’m learning. The greatest love I’ll ever find is the love I have for myself.

And this time, I won’t let it go.

Kedai Be Happy, Kampung Inggris.
25/11/2024

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